The Beginning (15)

“Certainly a cartoon voice has never been as significant to a relationship as it has with you, my dear.”

Theirs was a unique union.

It took years of restrained touch and various shades of black before they even risked holding one another’s hand in the tentative, trembling name of companionship.
The first time she dared grab his hand was in Grand Central. She thought the crowds might cover up her bold actions. As luck would have it, the masses parted at that moment and a spotlight shone down on her boldness, making the sterling silver of her rings twinkle. Her heart leapfrogged from her chest out onto the marble flooring, causing quite a red flush of embarrassment on her face. She left her heart where it was, too afraid to draw attention to the recent actions, hoping the mindless others didn’t slip on the goo. Sigh; her heart was always a messy thing.

But he stopped and ever-so-gently bending down, still holding her hand, he picked the red, beating blob back up. It panted in his palm happily, like a returned lost dog. He slipped her heart into the front pocket of his black trench coat. They continued out of the station, into the bitter cold on the gray end of 42nd Street. They walked west, lights in full glory in the near distance. Her heart warmed him much better than his grandfather’s coat. She never cared if she got it back, and it’s a fine thing too, because after fifteen years of friendship, one should assuredly know the touch of home.

ONE

They sat waiting for the bus, not sure when it would come, only knowing that it would.
She was in no rush and leaned back against the bench, though he had a flight to catch and sat forward resting his elbows on his knees. They looked in opposite directions, each taking one side of the road. It was a peculiar place to be, Monday morning just after rush hour somewhere in Jersey, waiting for a bus outside of Ramada Inn. She had an excess of clothing to fit into her overnight bag so she was carrying by hand the overflow of a hoodie and jacket. It was too warm to wear either. Over the weekend True Spring had knocked and entered, leaving them warm in the hungover sun and unclouded sky. The grass gave off of the hue of being emerald green, though there was no reason for it to be so magical. This was not a love story, just a moment. One single moment that he would think nothing of after she left and that she would be left remembering for no reason, almost to the day, a year later.

The two of them, sitting there on a roadside bench. Waiting. Occasionally they managed to stutter out bits of conversation about how much fun they had and how they hope to see each other again soon. It’s always good to see you.

He bounced one leg up and down without impatience. It was just what he did and she knew him well enough to understand that. One hand moved to rest upon his leg. She wanted all motion to stop. But his foot kept beating the pavement and her hand remained where it was on her lap. She had not moved after all.

The bus appeared and a moment later, it was gone.

TWO

She didn’t know anyone else at the party, but he left her alone to go talk with his friends anyway. Her, a freshman lamb left in the unguarded woods of college juniors and seniors all dressed up like witches and warlocks and drunk off of unclaimed power, smoking cigarettes he knew she smoked–and therefore, he thought she would be fine. Well, fine enough to leave off alone for a few minutes while he attended to social business. He wasn’t really sure what he was doing, with her or with himself. He wanted a beer, maybe a laugh, to get high and to plain forget. He wanted to forget everything to the point that, when he stumbled upon it again, sober and red-eyed, it would be more than a mere reclamation.

He looked around and saw her, anxious and confused. He left his friends in mid-joke and started following her around the house from a distance. She was ducking in and out doorways, head down most of the time, but eyes always searching. In the living room she found a spot on the couch and watched a magician’s performance that ended in him sniffing quite a long line of coke. She was up and out of the room before the last sniffle and snort. He followed her more closely thinking he should really let her know where he was.

But, not yet. One more moment, give her one more moment to miss him. He wasn’t sure if he was talking about that girl in front of him or not. As if she knew she were being summoned, at that instant the girl turned around and saw him. Was that relief he saw in her eyes? Yes, it quite possibly was. “Come on, let’s go this way,” his head jerking toward the front door. Through the screen one could see Sloppy Jay dressed as the Green Hornet, standing on a parked car and daring the others to test his superpowers.

He reached down for her hand and grabbed it quickly, but he hadn’t even had made it one step. Her hand was gone, slid into her pocket with no apology. It was to be the only moment they ever touched. The only moment that he had no reason to regret, but he did.

THREE

The woods behind his father’s farm had been untouched for years, or so she liked to pretend. The original farmhouse from the 1800s still stood, though dilapidated and hovering over the ground like a mere ghost of its former glory. She was assured that these woods were safe. He told her not to worry. She was not so worried about stumbling over a dead root or spying a fox as she was about losing this rising sense of possibility inside her. They trampled along through the dried leaves, hopping over fallen, rotted limbs and averting questionable looking foliage. Their eyes met briefly, but those questions were also stepped over. It was neither warm nor cold for being May. They were not quite in love yet, but close.

There was no path to be followed, nor did their uncertain footsteps create any disturbance in the surroundings. The only record of their presence in those woods that afternoon was the one in her memory. The moment she stood still, the sun hitting her face as it filtered down from the leaves obscuring her view of the clear open sky. She stood there balanced on the hill’s edge, a stick wobbled as she pressed it into the arch of her foot. He was downhill a few yards away from her, just out of reach. She wanted to run.

“Click!”

He brought his hands down from his face, as if he had been holding a camera. He told her what a beautiful photo that would make, her standing there like that. Normally she was the one taking pictures, hoping to capture every moment because the days before he left were passing too quickly. She still wonders what he saw on that day before him that he felt wouldn’t remain. Her roots were as deeply planted at his feet as any tree’s in sight.

FOUR

We wave at our shadows. He is just learning about shadows and their capability for making funny shapes. He stands staring at the ground as I stand next to him, my hands dancing wildly for his amusement. Feeling tired and no longer silly, I bend down to his height and we smile at each other without thinking about it. It just happens, like a bunny hops. I stand back up, take his soft hand in mine and continue toward the playground.

All of the worms that had come out to bask in yesterday’s rain are crispy and fascinating underfoot. Each fried one we step over, he bends down and reaches with his free hand to pick it up. It is an unexpectedly hot day. His blond baby hair creates sweaty curls at the back of his neck, forming perfect circles he has yet to learn how to draw.

“No, don’t touch that. That’s dirty. It’s a dead worm.”
“itsa dead worm itsa dead worm”
“That’s right. It’s a dead worm, and we don’t touch those.”

Continuing down the sidewalk, a few feet later we repeat the discovery. He points to the dead worms and I identify them as such. Our progress toward the playground is slow. He has not been corrupted by the sense of ticking time yet, and I plan to keep it that way. We walk hand in hand, seeing our shadows and stopping to wave and smile. Our shadows comply by waving excitedly back, though they are incapable of ever expressing such happiness of their own.

FIVE

She heard the rain splatting on the top of the next door apartment’s window air conditioner unit. Out the closed window next to her, the rain only hit the pavement and taunted the windows to open. She sat on one end of the futon trying to breathe through the heat. He sat on the other, facing her. Their knees touched. He felt a wild restraint, perhaps due to the Chinese acrobats on TV.

“It doesn’t matter who I was with, I never stopped loving you.”

The humidity held his words and carried them to her like a bouquet of just-opened-to-hold-the-sunshine, orange-and-yellow-tipped tulips. They sat there in silence, hearing the infinite drops of invisible seconds, the rain ceasing outside as one of them tried to form a sentence. They sat on the worn cushions, exhausted from trying to remain apart, too jaded to inch any closer together for fear of breaking, like they already did once, daring time to move forward and take them with it.

With a sudden leap, she flew into his lap. On screen a wisp thin acrobat in a silvery unitard flipped through the air several times and landed perfectly into the open palms of her partner. Eyes fixed to the TV, the boy and girl remained reunited for an indefinite amount of time, observing how one manages a delicate balance in the hands of the other.

SIX

He walked into the room and she thought of nothing else. The late afternoon sun blurred lines of reality. Was that a coffee table in her way, or just a handful of parallel and perpendicular lines running endlessly through points in space? She didn’t care what it was so long as she didn’t trip over it going to greet him. Greeting him–the thought sounded removed, as if she were meeting for the first time an acquaintance of a friend that she had heard a lot about. In an instant she was transformed from a content married woman to his, wanting to be solely his, filled with longing to rule his life. The desperation was merciless. She couldn’t tell if her knees or hands started the trembling.

There must be a name for this. There has to be a name for this.

He was just as she remembered him. His hair had more gray sprinkled in it, which suited him. Made him look older. It defined the years lost. She held her breath and hoped she looked pretty and confident. The over-size, brightly colored dangle earrings she wore spoke loudly to these sentiments. She wished in that moment that memories could be deleted like computer files, drag and drop. Altered when necessary. Retouched to cover the truth.

I would take us, I would take us out of the confines of a rectangular icon, and I would erase all that existed. There would be nothing left but blank space where we had been, a virgin canvas on which to start all over again.

But of course, she would tell him none of this. She would tell no one of this. It was hers alone, her gift and her gloom. It was the torch inside her that would keep burning until there was nothing left in the end but scar tissue and smoke, slowly released from her lips and lost into the atmosphere. They hugged and there was not a grip of romance. It did not bother her then, but she knew the next morning, as she would sit down at her computer to write about the evening, she would search tirelessly to try and find such sentiment of having once loved each other. How is it possible to cling to the intangible, the nameless?

How is it possible, after all this time, to still fucking love you?

She smiled sweetly, he smiled too, and it was genuine, she could tell. She still knew some things about him after all. She returned to her spot on the couch after a brief beat of standing stillness. He sat in front of her on the ottoman. The sun glared right into his eyes, blinding him. He got up and sat in the chair across the room. And there they sat, like two knick-knacks in an ornament shop, not necessarily a match, but somehow belonging.

SEVEN

From where we were standing in the yard, we couldn’t see the fireworks, though we could hear them. They were exploding in our ears like the heavy, rapid beat of a hardcore drummer. With a slight skip, she tugs my sleeve and motions for me to follow her in the direction toward the house. Without turning around, she reaches her arm behind her, wiggling her fingers like feathers of a tail. At first, I just watch her fingers in their weird dance, the “come hither” motion, empty-handed and full of wanting. When my hand grabs hers, we squeeze our palms together, moving closer until we are tangled in the webbing. She is wearing a sun dress the color of a campfire late at night. This is so much like a scene from a movie; it’s ridiculous. I’m a dude. Guys don’t think this way. I–don’t think this way.

The house is so dark we can’t see where we are going. From outside, the rhythmic booming causes the wooden flooring beneath our feet to shudder. I am not sure what to do or why we came inside. I continue to hold her hand as we stand in the darkness, shifting from one foot to the next. In the movies, the guy would’ve grabbed his girl and kissed her by now. But this isn’t the movies and this is certainly no Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers moment. The faint bursts of color from the fireworks softly fall across her face. This is our moment, and it is much better than anything I could dream about. She pulls me forward, her hair glowing ghostly and comforting like moonlight.

I follow the glow ahead of me, begging no question.

EIGHT

I walked by and did a double take. He walked by and definitely looked as well.
I walked by. He walked by. When you break down the moment, there was nothing more to it than that. Two strangers in a crowded club, crossing paths. A swift glance in the other’s direction, as natural as could be.

Our eyes happened to meet a moment too late. I had walked by. He had walked by. But our eyes had met, however brief, and oh boy, there was fire to it. I felt my cheeks flush and the beat on the dance floor pick up. Bodies writhed like wild snakes confined to a basket. His was among them begging for a charmer to perform for. There it was again, that glance, our eyes meeting and a blaze igniting from somewhere so far deep within that both of us were terrified to look away. I took a step forward. The dance floor was hot, but hopefully my dance was hotter. If I could have him tonight, could I have him again tomorrow? And the night after that?

Just one glance and two shakes of the tail: that is all it took to determine the following 24 years of our life together.

NINE

She clenches her fists and straightens sharpens her arms tight against her body, defiant to their attempts to drag her away. Her toes clench the inside of her shoes, desperately trying to keep the earth linoleum beneath her feet from opening up. She’ll be swallowed alive I’ll be swallowed alive if they keep talking, if they even dare to close the front door behind her if they take me. The two police officers try forcefully to push her out the door, They push me out the front door, one foot at a time one foot at a time. She does not go easy. The doctor tries to touch her shoulder, hoping that the mere act of reaching out will calm GET AWAY FROM ME her but it does not. She is wild and shaking. Her brothers hang back, unsure as to whether they should join the cops and the doctor in getting their sister restrained, or to pick up her two-year-old son, their nephew, sitting on the filthy carpet, staring widely. The cops manage to wrangle her around NONONONONO and her left foot steps over the threshold Not while he’s watching, my baby, NO. Not my foot Take me back IN you, DAMNIT NO.

But the struggle is futile. She weakens I don’t understand I give up Do I give up? for just a moment and lets her chin fall to her chest. NO. NONONONO. Sensing the worst is over worst is yet to come, the police officers, doctor, and her two brothers take a simultaneous breath in and a long sigh out.

The baby whimpers so softly that no one hears him, no one except the one from which he came. That was all she needed to pick her head up and glance back at her son. Their eyes met and though it was the briefest second before the police led her out the door, their eyes stayed connected. Her mouth no longer worked, but she screamed to him all the same Oh my baby. It’ll be OK. I love you. I love you….

As her brother shut the door behind her, a cracked piece of paint fell from the frame. He cared not to see where it landed.